Mediators help couples find middle ground

By Erica Kritt, Times Staff Writer Monday, August 11, 2008

Marlin and Cathy Burd’s first divorce settlement conference exploded into arguing and bickering that dragged on for nearly three hours before Marlin finally walked out.

When he regained some composure, he headed back to the settlement, but when he returned, Cathy was already walking out. Despite a protective order, Marlin approached Cathy and suggested they try mediation.

They scheduled a session that day.

“It was like walking into an emergency room,” Cathy Burd said. “We went from enemies to friends.”

Mediation is an alternative form of conflict resolution that is confidential and nonadversarial. In mediation, an impartial person, who does not give legal advice, listens to both sides and doesn’t make decisions or suggestions but allows the participants to talk with each other and understand each other to come to necessary decisions. A mediator does not work as a lawyer and does not take sides.

In Maryland, anyone with a custody or visitation issue can be sent to mediation, for at least two sessions, if the court deems it appropriate.

In Carroll, the disputants are sent to two two-hour sessions with a mediator where they will both pay $100 an hour, according to Powel Welliver, family law administrator for the Circuit Court for Carroll County.

If the parties agree that they want to use a different mediator than the one assigned, Welliver said that is allowed as long as the parties give reasonable notice to the court.

According to Welliver, a case like the Burds’ would not be recommended for mediation because there were domestic violence issues. Welliver said she can make a judgment call if she thinks mediation might be dangerous for any of the parties in the dispute.

Those who are sent to mediation don’t have to stay there. They must try it, but if they don’t like it after the two sessions and have made no progress, they can resume seeking a resolution through litigation, according to Welliver.

Mediation can also be used for business contracts, neighbor-to-neighbor disputes and estate disputes. Welliver said mediation can be used almost any time there is conflict.

Marlin and Cathy came through mediation with a contract that gave both parents equal custody of their three daughters.

Before mediation, Cathy was living in the couple’s home. Her lawyers told her not to give up the home, but Cathy said she really didn’t want the house

Cathy said she realized during the mediation that a lot of Marlin’s anger was coming from the fact that he wanted to see his children and to be in his home.

“He was paying for a house that he couldn’t live in,” she said.

After mediation, Marlin got the house and bought out Cathy after refinancing.

Both Marlin and Cathy said they were relieved to have finally worked out a plan and to get back to nurturing their three daughters.

State support

In 1997, Rachel Wohl, a litigator in Maryland, asked Maryland Court of Appeals Chief Judge Robert M. Bell to start a commission to promote alternative dispute resolution.

In response, Bell created a 40-member commission, and from that came the Mediation and Conflict Resolution Office, where Wohl now works as executive director.

Wohl learned about mediation after she was trying to reach a settlement in three cases she was litigating for the state’s attorney general’s office. After she couldn’t reach a settlement, the case went to mediation.

“After two days of mediation the case was settled,” she said.

After that experience, she took classes on the subject and decided it was something she wanted to pursue.

MACRO encourages counties to use ADR methods to keep people out of the courtroom.

Wohl said that since MACRO’s birth, there have been significant increases in the field.

In 1998, Maryland had only nine community mediation centers. Now there is a center serving every county and Baltimore.

MACRO has helped the community mediation centers stay alive by providing performance-based grant money and support. The money MACRO is able to grant comes from the state through the judiciary.

There are currently no requirements to become a mediator in Maryland, but Welliver said that if a person is to work with the courts, he or she must undergo 40 hours of basic training in an accredited program.

To mediate cases that involve child access, the person must take another 20-hour training course and participate in co-mediation or observe mediation taking place. A different 20-hour course is needed to mediate cases involving marital property issues for the court.

The mediator must also complete eight hours of continuing education every two years.

Welliver said there are a couple types of mediation styles, but ultimately each mediator works differently.

Benefits

One of the benefits of mediation MACRO touts is that when two people mediate a resolution they are creating their own terms so they are less likely to break the deal and end up back in court or with another conflict.

Welliver said statistics have shown that when a judge has to rule in a dispute, the disputants will most likely return to court.

A 2006 The Women’s Law Center of Maryland study, called “Families in Transition,” found that 10 percent of cases that were decided by a judge had to be reopened, whereas only 5 percent of cases that were settled by the disputants had to be reopened.

Wynde Juliet Winston of Westminster, an attorney and mediator, said the courts are overloaded and don’t have time to get to the core of every problem. “No judge can really get inside a case in the short amount of time,” she said.

Amy Womaski, a mediator in Carroll County, tries to let her clients do much, if not all, of the talking. After each gets a turn to tell his or her story, the disputants work out what issues need to be addressed.

Womaski said people need their concerns to be validated and understand that they are being heard in the process. Once each person can vent his or her frustrations and the other hears those frustrations, half the battle is won, she said.

“It doesn’t make the problem go away, but it frees you up to go forward,” Womaski said.

Reducing courts’ workload

If mediation wasn’t mandated, Welliver said she thinks two more judges would have to be hired to handle the workload in Carroll County. According to Welliver, the court orders between 150 and 175 cases to mediation a year.

Welliver said it might be impossible for the Carroll County Circuit Court to handle all of the cases that involve a custody or visitation issue if it weren’t for mediation.

The result of mediation is also often cheaper than going to court, according to MACRO.

Marlin Burd said he had racked up between $14,000 and $15,000 in legal fees and didn’t get anywhere with their lawyers, but mediation cost a total of $1,100, he said. Because the Burds were not recommended to go to mediation they did have to go through the litigation process.

Cathy Burd said the money that was spent with lawyers could have gone to their children’s college educations and making a better life for the family.

Confidentiality

Another reason some people choose to seek out mediation is that the proceedings are private. In court, everything stated becomes public record for anyone to look up. Mediation is confidential.

“I have to maintain privacy,” said Kelly Walfred Miller of Westminster, a mediator and attorney. “It’s a very complex, emotional state [my clients] are in.

Womaski has said she has seen screaming and even had to dodge a thrown cell phone during sessions with clients.

Confidentiality is so guarded that mediators are not allowed to testify in court about their sessions, unless it is to defend themselves or if there were imminent threats made to harm someone, admissions of child abuse or allegations of duress or fraud during the mediation, according to MACRO.

There are some instances where mediation is not a possibility. Welliver said she takes her job seriously when reviewing cases that would be sent to mediation, to make sure they are appropriate.

If there are allegations of physical or sexual abuse, if one party is overpowering the other or if any party in the dispute is not physically or mentally able to participate in mediation, then the case will not be sent to mediation, Welliver said.

Reach staff writer Erica Kritt at 410-857-7876 or erica.kritt@carrollcountytimes.com.

Glossary

- Alternative dispute resolution: A process or collection of processes for resolving disputes without going through a trial or committing violence.

- Arbitration: A process in which people in a dispute present their views to a knowledgeable neutral person, an arbitrator, who decides how the dispute will be resolved.

- Consensus building: A process in which a neutral person brings “stakeholder” groups and individuals together and facilitates their efforts to solve a common problem or address a complex issue in a way that best meets the participants’ needs.

- Mediation: A process in which a trained neutral person, a mediator, helps people in a dispute to communicate with one another, understand each other and, if possible, reach agreements that satisfy the participants’ needs.

- Neutral case evaluation: A process in which people in a dispute present their views, often in written form, to a knowledgeable neutral person who evaluates their dispute and expresses an opinion about the most likely outcome in court.

- Settlement conference: A process in which people in a dispute in court present their views to a knowledgeable neutral person who evaluates the case and suggests ways to settle the dispute without a trial.

Source: Mediation and Conflict Resolution Office

Child Custody Rights or Parental Responsibilities?

By Jill H. Breslau

Language can impact our thinking and behavior. Language in statutes regarding custody, for example, can influence –if only in a subtle way—how we perceive our relationship to our children.

For example, in Maryland, where I practice now, and many other states, custody of your own children is described as a right. As a parent, you have a right to the companionship of your children, you have the right to teach and guide them, to nurture them, to direct, and control their behavior. You have the right to decide where your children go to school, whether and where they attend religious services, what kind of medical treatment they receive and from whom. In Maryland, custody may be shared or sole, and the other parent may be awarded access or visitation.

In Florida, where I used to practice, and in several other states, the “custody” and “rights” language has been deliberately replaced by different vocabulary with a different perspective. Parents in Florida are not awarded custody. Instead, parents have responsibility for their children, and parental responsibility, at divorce, can be shared by both parents or can be delegated to one parent alone. With shared parental responsibility, parents share time with their children and both parents are entitled to have full information about the children and to share in major decision-making for the children. Sole parental responsibility is awarded only when sharing would be detrimental to a child.

I believe the difference in language—rights versus responsibilities—impacts the way we approach custody in divorce. If we believe in our rights, then we have to fight for them, and we have to win them. Our children, on some level, are perceived as objects to be gained or lost. There is a sense of ownership, rather than relationship.

On the other hand, if we perceive that we are undertaking responsibilities to our children, we may be more cautious about considering what is really best for them. We may be more focused on how we can accomplish the tasks associated with child-rearing than on establishing our parenting superiority.

source

Yes, best for kids of divorce
*
No way, it will never work
*
Yes inside and out of marriage
*
No I need all my child support
*
Yes to lower my child support
*
No, I’d miss my kids too much
*
Yes, I miss my kids terribly
*
Yes, I had it as a kid.
*
No, I had it as a kid
*
I want to learn more.

Participate in the poll.

From Dr. Gary Chapman:

‘Many couples love each other but don’t know how to
connect. Sacrificing for one’s spouse is important. When it (a service for
your spouse) doesn’t come naturally, it’s actually a greater expression of
love. We must learn to speak one another’s love language.’

From Dr. John Gray:

‘Men talk to solve problems; Women talk to express
feelings.’

From Dennis Stoicas: (Director California Healthy Marriage Initiative)

‘Marriage matters to children. Divorce is hard on kids and it is a serious
national problem.’

From Michelle Weiner-Davis: (Founder, Divorce Buster Programs)

Real giving means giving what your spouse wants no matter if you don’t understand it: it’s mutual caring.

Dr. Sue Johnson: (Sociologist and author):

Without empathy and secure connection, there can be no real love. All humans need nurturing, soothing and protection. Key moment which defines forgiveness: when the injured party looks into the eyes of the offender and sees that their pains matters. They have to see it in their faces.

Dr. Steven Stosny: (Author and founder of Compassionworks.Com)

You can turn your resentful, angry or emotionally abusive relationship into a compassionate, loving one. The urge to improve, appreciate, connect or protect are the motivations of our core values. The experience of value gives you meaning and purpose. Crime goes up when the sense of community goes down. People feel disconnected.

Many of these thoughts are reminiscent of the teachings of an ancient Vedic wise man, Rupa Goswami. In his treatise on Devotional Service, Goswami delineates 6 Kinds of Loving Exchanges which keep healthy connections between people:

1. Giving gifts in charity

2. Accepting gifts with appreciation

3. Offering food prepared with love and devotion

4. Accepting such food with grace and care

5. Revealing one’s mind confidentially

6. Respecting and honoring such confidential sharing.

Over 125 workshops and 16 keynotes were presented at the conference,
covering a wide spectrum of marriage, family, fatherhood and healthy
relationship topics. Next year’s 2009 SmartMarriages Conference will take
place in Orlando, Florida, July 6-12, 2009.

I’m from South Africa, my children are 11 and 7 and I share custody with my ex. We have a parenting plan in place and the kids live one week with me and one week with my ex-husband. We’ve come a long way - five years of bitter arguing, and now a solution that works. So don’t let anyone tell you that you have to be best friends to make Joint Custody / Shared parenting work!

The best thing is that my kids love it, and our parenting plan is designed to be flexible to their needs - it will change if they need it to change.

I believe this is the way forward for all families.

Take care all.

Regards,
AJ, South Africa

This song could have been written by a woman caught up in the domestic violence industry.

Say it’s Possible

I SEE THE LIGHTS ARE TURNING
AND I LOOK OUTSIDE THE STARS ARE BURNING
THROUGH THIS CHANGING TIME
IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING WE WANT
IT’S FINE SALVATION WAS JUST A PASSING THOUGHT.

DON’T WAIT ACT NOW
THIS AMAZING OFFER WON’T LAST LONG
IT’S ONLY A CHANCE TO PAVE THE PATH WE’RE ON
I KNOW THERE ARE MORE EXCITING THINGS TO TALK ABOUT
AND IN TIME WE’LL SORT IT OUT

AND THOUGH THEY SAY IT’S POSSIBLE TO ME
I DON’T SEE HOW IT’S PROBABLE
I SEE THE COURSE WE’RE ON
SPINNING FARTHER FROM WHAT I KNOW
I’LL HOLD ON
TELL ME THAT YOU WON’T LET GO
TELL ME THAT YOU WON’T LET GO

AND TRUTH IS SUCH A FUNNY THING
WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE
KEEP ON TELLING ME
THEY KNOW WHAT’S BEST
AND WHAT TO BE FRIGHTENED OF
AND ALL THE REST ARE WRONG
THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT US

AND THOUGH THEY SAY IT’S POSSIBLE TO ME
I DON’T SEE HOW IT’S PROBABLE
I SEE THE COURSE WE’RE ON
SPINNING FARTHER FROM WHAT I KNOW
I’LL HOLD ON
TELL ME THAT YOU WON’T LET GO
TELL ME THAT YOU WON’T LET GO

I’M NOT ALRIGHT…

THIS COULD BE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL
COMBINE OUR LOVE INTO SOMETHING WONDERFUL
BUT TIMES ARE TOUGH I KNOW
AND THE PULL OF WHAT WE CAN’T GIVE UP TAKES HOLD

(c) Terra Naomi 2006

H.R. 6088:

Domestic Violence Lies

Cost Lives

H.R. 6088 – the National Domestic Violence Volunteer Attorney Network Act — was recently introduced in the House of Representatives. The bill would authorize $55 million for volunteer lawyers to help victims of domestic violence.

Unfortunately, the $55 million is earmarked for an industry that traffics in myths, half-truths, and make-believe statistics.

These myths have deadly consequences.

Myth #1: Women who are violent are only acting in self-defense.

A recent study by the Centers for Disease Control found women initiate 71% of one-way partner violence.¹ But the domestic violence industry scorns any mention that women may be violence-prone.

So when an abusive woman needs help, the system ignores her desperate pleas:

Sheila LaBarre of New Hampshire was recently sentenced to life in prison without parole for the brutal killing of two ex-boyfriends. LaBarre had a long-standing history of domestic violence, including stabbing another boyfriend in the head with scissors.

Persons believe officials would have intervened sooner if the perpetrator had been a man. “How many people would have been saved? And maybe even LaBarre would have been saved from having to spend her life in prison?” asks abuse expert Lee Newman.

Myth #2: ‘Get-tough’ arrest policies save lives

The Violence Against Women Act has spent millions of taxpayer dollars to institute pro- and mandatory-arrest policies. These policies set aside due process protections of “probable cause,” and silence the wishes of victims, as well.

Worse, VAWA-funded mandatory arrest laws have increased partner homicides by 54%, according to a recent Harvard University study.²

“Mandatory arrest laws are responsible for an additional 0.8 murders per 100,000 people.” –Radha Iyengar, PhD

Myth #3: Aggressive prosecution of minor infractions helps victims

Many states have laws that mandate prosecution for a restraining order violation. But these policies do more harm than good.

One study concluded, “Increases in the willingness of prosecutors’ offices to take cases of protection order violation were associated with increases in the homicide of white married intimates, black unmarried intimates, and white unmarried females.”

Unfolding Scandal at Florida Abuse Shelters

Reports of illegal and harmful activities in Florida abuse shelters have emerged in recent months:

• At the SafeSpace Shelter in Stuart, Fla., Marilyn Hooks stabbed and killed co-resident Milaus Almore.
• At Another Way in Lake City, a 4-year-old girl was sexually molested by a 9-year-old female staying at the shelter. Then shelter staff told the mother she couldn’t report the assault to the police.
• At the Naples Shelter for Abused Women and Children, director Kathy Catino was forced to resign after assaulting an employee.

Despite repeated requests, the Florida Coalition Against Domestic Violence has stayed mum about these abuses.

Women Say, “Fix VAWA Now!”

Women increasingly see domestic violence programs as ineffective and harmful:

• “We have no evidence to date that VAWA has led to a decrease in the overall levels of violence against women.” —Angela Moore Parmley, PhD, Department of Justice
• “At worst, the criminal justice system increases violence against women. At best, it has little or no effect.” — New York University vice provost Linda Mills, PhD

Women who have seen the truth of VAWA-funded programs are demanding, “Fix VAWA Now!”

More Myths from the ABA

H.R. 6088 also earmarks $14 million for the ABA Commission on Domestic Violence. But the CODV has come under fire for misrepresenting the truth.

According to a recent RADAR report, “Myths of the ABA Commission on Domestic Violence: Summary Report,” the CODV has published a flyer that lends the “imprimatur of legitimacy to numerous falsehoods about domestic violence, child abuse, and custody.”

When Representatives of the DV Industry Come Calling…

These are some questions to ask representatives of the domestic violence industry when they come knocking on your door:

1. The DoJ National Violence Against Women Survey found men represent 40% of abuse victims. Other studies show domestic violence is a 50-50 proposition. So why are you telling me only half the story?

2. Why are you only giving me crime statistics, which are known to underreport and distort the true extent of the domestic violence problem?

3. CDC researcher Daniel Whitaker wrote, “a woman’s perpetration of violence was the strongest predictor of her being a victim of partner violence.” If we care about protecting women, why aren’t we concerned about female-perpetrated abuse?

H.R. 6088: Subsidizing a System Gone Off the Rails

The federal government already spends $1 billion a year for domestic violence programs that are ineffective and harm the victims of violence.

The federal government needs to do something about domestic violence, but H.R. 6088 will only make things worse.

H.R. 6088 is not what taxpayers want, and not what victims of violence need.

Say “No!” to H.R. 6088.

A coalition of over 100 organizations is working to educate the public about the need to reform our domestic violence laws: www.mediaradar.org/docs/VAWA-Reform-Coalition-Declaration.pdf

For more information, contact RADAR at:

P.O. Box 1404, Rockville, MD 20849

E-mail : info@mediaradar.org

Internet : www.mediaradar.org

Co-parenting - by “a caring mom”

I’ve been in a co-parenting position for almost 2 years now. I have a 3 ½ year old daughter. She was born to two parents who love her more than anything in life. Sadly, the relationship between her father and I did not work out. There are many reasons for this that are irrelevant to the care we give our daughter.

When the relationship crumbled I moved out of the home that was in my ex’s name. I searched for a 2 bedroom apartment nearby and found one very close.

So began the co-parenting. My daughter is the most important thing in my life therefore I knew that I had to immediately begin working with her father who feels the same as I do. She loves her dad and I could never in good conscious even try to alienate her from his life.

Almost immediately we were able to come to an agreement regarding her care. He worked long hours but had Sundays and Mondays off. Therefore he took her on both of these days. I worked a regular 40 hour work week so she would stay with me during the week and on Saturdays. She would continue to go to daycare.

It works out that we both see our beautiful daughter approximately the same amount of hours per week.

As far as my daughter’s financial care, we believed that we were equally responsible. We came up with a plan that I would cover her insurance because I had the better plan through my employer. Her father would pay her daycare costs. She spends 6 nights a week with me so we took that into consideration as daycare costs are more than the medical coverage.

I’m not saying that there have not been bumps in the road between the 2 of us. There have been. However, there have been virtually no problems with the custody and support. We still have never set foot in a courtroom.

At times situations arise where there are extra costs beyond the childcare and medical insurance. There are medications to buy, photos to purchase, clothing needed. We agree to split these necessities down the middle.

I truly believe that we are both doing our part to ensure that our daughter has the happiest life she can have. We’ve refrained from using her when we are angry at each other. It pleases me to know that my daughter will never be used as a pawn to gain control or satisfaction.

I am fortunate that regardless of the way we may at times personally think of each other, we both see past problems and realize that our child’s life is above all.

Co-parenting has worked for us both but more importantly for our daughter.

Signed, anonymous

Are Divorce Courts Anti-Dad?

Despite a shift toward shared custody over the last 20 years, up to half of fathers lose contact with their kids after a divorce. “In 85% of divorces, fathers get just two weekends a month and a couple of hours during the week,” says Mike McCormick of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children.

A new legal trend might change that. With “proportional time,” explains Jennifer Rosato of Philadelphia’s Drexel University School of Law, “the custody decision is based on the time dads spent with their children before the divorce, rather than presuming that dads have, and want, limited involvement with their kids.” But McCormick says dads still could get shortchanged: “What happened in the past with a family doesn’t represent what will happen in the future.” He says that supporting your kids is about more than money, “but courts want a check first and a relationship second.”

Vote in Parade Magazine’s Current Poll:

Should divorced dads get equal time with their kids?