excerpt:

“We’ve seen the impact that fathers make on a child’s life. In the past, it had been the idea that the father is the breadwinner, and the mother stayed home and took care of the kids. That thinking has changed,” said Larry L. Klinger, who oversees family and community programs for the intermediate unit. “Changing a thought process is one barrier.”

Institutions such as courts and schools have been slow to adjust and still often treat fathers as second-class citizens, dads and advocates say. That can be a decimating experience, both financially and mentally, said Thomas Tessaro of Franklin Park, a board member with the Pittsburgh chapter of the National Congress for Fathers and Children.

He frequently gets calls from fathers desperate for help, he said. Divorce lawyers often push ex-wives to pursue unnecessary protection-from-abuse orders just for leverage in custody battles, and decades of stereotyping often lead people to be unfairly leery of fathers, he said.

http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/news/today/s_599223.html

To some people John Murtari is a deadbeat parent. Others see him as a good parent and man of faith. Graduating Cum Laude from the Air Force Academy with a degree in Astronautical Engineering, Murtari went on to Pilot Training and became an Instructor Pilot. Divorced with one son, he now owns a small internet company and serves as a Lector at St. Michael’s, his local Church.

Murtari was arrested in front of his home in Lyons on Monday night for an unpaid traffic ticket. Police used pepper spray when Murtari began passive resistance. Murtari is the founder of akidsright.org, a parents group that advocates for a Federal Family Rights Act. He says the law is unjust and plans on continuing to be passive while incarcerated.

In an affidavit for the court Murtari wrote, “The backdoor connection between Child Support payments and driving is a violation of individual rights to due process. Family Court Support proceedings operate with reduced levels of proof and evidence. I now face numerous criminal charges with no real means of defense. If my license had been suspended due to DWI, speeding, or other traffic violations I would have been protected during those proceedings by strict rules of evidence and a strong burden of proof.”

Two years ago Murtari also passively resisted arrest and went 10 days without food or water before he was given a feeding tube by his jailers. Murtari appeared in court yesterday looking drawn and tired. Members of the Equal Parents for Children group in Rochester observed the hearing and said he didn’t look well. Today is Murtari’s third day without food or water.

Laurie Reilly Radio Show, John Murtari Interview, Sept 10, 06

news10now, John Murtari In Jail Interview, 2006

John Murtari was arrested last night in front of his home. Police
officers were there waiting for him. The arrest was in repsponse
to his unpaid traffic ticket.

John was polite with the officers, but he remained passive. They
ended up having to use pepper spray on him. For some reason his
car was towed away. He is being held in the Wayne County Jail
and has a court appearance tomorrow morning at 8:30 a.m.

As he did several years ago, John will be non-cooperating with the
unjust sentence by remaining passive and not following jail orders
while in captivity. He will not voluntarily eat or drink, but expects
the State to completely take care of him by tube feeding (as happened
two years ago). He does not want to hurt himself and this is NOT a
hunger-strike.

For more details see and updates:
http://www.AKidsRight.Org/support/traffic_jm.htm

Teri Stoddard will be coordinating our response, please contact her
if you can help: teri.sharedparentingworks@gmail.com

You are also welcome to call/write these officials on his behalf.m

* DA Richard Healey , Hall of Justice, Suite 202, Lyons, NY 14489
(Phone: 315-946-5905 / Fax: 315-946-5911)

* Mr. Richard Wunder, Ass. District Attorney, 54 Broad St. Lyons, NY 14489
(Phone: 315-946-5905 / Fax: 315-946-5911)

* New York State Assemblyman Robert Oaks, 10 Leach Road, Lyons, NY 14489
(Phone: 315-946-5166 / Fax: 315-946-5229)

* Judge Nicholas Forgione, 79 William St., Lyons, NY 14489
(Phone: 315-946-1204)

The State of Minnesota is considering whether in divorce cases, joint physical custody should be the starting point. This reflects a significant change in the thinking about what’s best for children after a divorce.

Back in the 1970s, mothers usually got custody. Joint custody was a strange experiment. Thirty years later, one family looks back on their experience.

Three decades later, dad and daughter reflect on joint custody
by Sasha Aslanian, Minnesota Public Radio
October 27, 2008

St. Paul, Minn. — Molly Brom made the newspaper at age 6. Her father, John Bujon saved a copy. The yellowed Family Living section of the Minneapolis Tribune is headlined “After Marriage Break-up, Children Can Still Live with Two Parents.”

Sitting in her father’s home near Lake Harriet in Minneapolis, Molly Brom is 36 now. Blond curls still frame her face, though now she wears a pair of brown rectangular glasses.

Brom and her dad have agreed to talk about their foray into joint custody in the 1970s. Her mom died in 1994 from cancer. more from MPR

One Million Fathers Asked to Lead the Nation Back to School this Fall

On the very first day of school, Children Need Both Parents, inc. is leading the initiative in Grand Rapids Mi to have every father, stepfather, foster father, or grandfather to take children to school on the first day. We have the support of the Kent County Department of Human Services who is sending out notification to all of their clients, the Grand Rapids Public School system who is making an automated call to all parents on behalf of CNBP, Representative Robert Dean and State Senator Mark Jansen who will be at Alger Middle School on the first day greeting all fathers at 7:00am.

WE ARE DILIGENTLY WORKING TO HAVE THE SYSTEM TO VALIDATE AND PROMOTE SHARED PARENTING!!!!!

**PRESS RELEASE**

Date: August 26, 2008
Contact: Minister Ronald Smith, CEO
For Immediate Release Children Need Both Parents, Inc.
616-301-2325

400 Cities Could Participate in the Largest, Organized Back-to-School Effort in U.S. History

(Grand Rapids) – “Education has become a matter of national security. Because we cannot control our schools, we cannot control our economy. And because we cannot control our economy, we cannot control and protect our quality of life in America,” says Phillip Jackson, Executive Director of The Black Star Project, U.S.A. The Black Star Project is sponsoring the Million Father March 2008 on the first day of school in nearly 300 cities across America. The Million Father March has become a special day that fathers and men use to make a commitment to their children, their families, their communities and their country with their dynamic presence at a school. This is the real fathers’ day!

The Million Father March 2008 will play-out at Alger Middle School in Grand Rapids as well as schools across America and in other parts of the world. About 300,000 men from 127 cities participated in the Million Father March in 2006. An estimated 400,000 men in 238 cities participated in 2007. This year, an estimated 500,000 men from 300 cities are expected to participate. The Million Father March also provides an escort of safety, support, and encouragement to children of all ages on their first day of school. Jackson says, “Gang recruitment, bullying and random violence goes way down on any day that a group of men are at a school.”

Research shows that children whose fathers take an active role in their educational lives earn better grades, get better test scores, enjoy school more and are more likely to graduate from high school and attend college. Additionally, children have fewer behavior problems when fathers listen to and talk with them regularly and are active in their lives. A good father is part of a good parent team and is critical to creating a strong family structure. Strong family structures produce children who are more academically proficient, socially developed and self-assured. Such children become adults who are valuable assets to their communities. “Better parents produce better communities, better schools, and better students with higher academic achievements,” says Jackson.

Participants in the event include fathers, grandfathers, foster fathers, stepfathers, uncles, cousins, big brothers, significant male caregivers and friends of the family. Although this event is created by Black men, women and men of all races are also encouraged to take their children to school on their first day. Businesses are asked to give fathers and men 2 hours off that morning to take their children to school. Men will also be encouraged to volunteer at schools throughout the year. A special effort will be made to coordinate Latino Fathers in La Marcha de Padres.

Representative Robert Dean and State Senator Mark Jansen are expected to greet fathers in the Foyer of Alger Middle School on September 2, 2008 at 7:00am The 2008 Million Father March is managed by The Black Star Project, U.S.A., sponsored by the Schott Foundation for Public Information, in partnership with the National PTA and the National Fatherhood Initiative. Children Need Both Parents, Inc. is the organization bringing this initiative to Grand Rapids.

Since schools across America and the world start the year on different days and months, the March will be a rolling event that takes place on the first day of this school year in cities, villages, and towns between August 7, 2008, and October 13, 2008.

The 2008 Million Father March is sponsored in part by The Black Star Project and Children Need Both Parents, Inc. Please visit our website for complete information at www.blackstarproject.org. You may also email at childrenneedbothparents@msn.com or call 616-301-2325 for more information. Website: www.cnbpinc.org

From Dr. Linda Nielsen:

QUIZ: Sense & Nonsense

QUIZ: How good is your relationship?

Between Fathers & Daughters - Enriching and Rebuilding Your Adult Relationship

Linda Nielsen’s newest book provides practical, no-nonsense advice for fathers and daughters.

Exploring how your relationship got to where it is today, nationally renown expert, Dr. Linda Nielsen, shows you how to create a more comfortable, honest, meaningful bond - and how to rebuild a badly damaged one.

The American Coalition for Fathers and Children is requesting that we purchase copies of the book through the ACFC bookstore. Seven dollars ($7) of each book sold will be used to fund Linda’s Shared Parenting publicity campaign. (click here to order)

From Dr. Gary Chapman:

‘Many couples love each other but don’t know how to
connect. Sacrificing for one’s spouse is important. When it (a service for
your spouse) doesn’t come naturally, it’s actually a greater expression of
love. We must learn to speak one another’s love language.’

From Dr. John Gray:

‘Men talk to solve problems; Women talk to express
feelings.’

From Dennis Stoicas: (Director California Healthy Marriage Initiative)

‘Marriage matters to children. Divorce is hard on kids and it is a serious
national problem.’

From Michelle Weiner-Davis: (Founder, Divorce Buster Programs)

Real giving means giving what your spouse wants no matter if you don’t understand it: it’s mutual caring.

Dr. Sue Johnson: (Sociologist and author):

Without empathy and secure connection, there can be no real love. All humans need nurturing, soothing and protection. Key moment which defines forgiveness: when the injured party looks into the eyes of the offender and sees that their pains matters. They have to see it in their faces.

Dr. Steven Stosny: (Author and founder of Compassionworks.Com)

You can turn your resentful, angry or emotionally abusive relationship into a compassionate, loving one. The urge to improve, appreciate, connect or protect are the motivations of our core values. The experience of value gives you meaning and purpose. Crime goes up when the sense of community goes down. People feel disconnected.

Many of these thoughts are reminiscent of the teachings of an ancient Vedic wise man, Rupa Goswami. In his treatise on Devotional Service, Goswami delineates 6 Kinds of Loving Exchanges which keep healthy connections between people:

1. Giving gifts in charity

2. Accepting gifts with appreciation

3. Offering food prepared with love and devotion

4. Accepting such food with grace and care

5. Revealing one’s mind confidentially

6. Respecting and honoring such confidential sharing.

Over 125 workshops and 16 keynotes were presented at the conference,
covering a wide spectrum of marriage, family, fatherhood and healthy
relationship topics. Next year’s 2009 SmartMarriages Conference will take
place in Orlando, Florida, July 6-12, 2009.

Ten Key Findings from Responsible Fatherhood Initiatives (pdf)
by Karin Martinson and Demetra Nightingale
February 2008

excerpts:

Although child support enforcement efforts have increased dramatically in recent years, there is evidence that many low-income fathers cannot afford to meet their child support obligations without impoverishing themselves or their families. Instead, many fathers accumulate child support debts that may lead them to evade the child support system and see less of their children.

They’ve actually known about that for a long time.  It would be nice if their policies reflected their knowledge.

Under the expanded purposes of Title IVA, authorized in the Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996 (P.L. 104-193, also known as PRWORA), states have been able to use some of their Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) funds to provide services to nonresident fathers, including employment-related services. PRWORA also authorized grants to states to assist noncustodial parents with access and visitation issues, and it required states, as part of their Child Support Enforcement Program, to have procedures requiring fathers who are not paying child support to participate in work activities, which may include employment and training programs. The Deficit Reduction Act (DRA) of 2005 (P.L. 109-171), which contains a reauthorization of the TANF program, also authorized funding to states and public and nonprofit entities for responsible fatherhood programs.

That is interesting. Several years ago I found a page on the Federal website that stated there was money available to assist noncustodial parents with visitation issues. Since I knew several organizations looking for this type of help, I wrote and asked about it. The government’s response was to delete that page on the website!

They stated the money was being sent through a grant program and each state could decide how to use it. I was still hopeful. I researched the program and found out who had received the money in California. Boy was I disappointed. The money was given to a program that runs supervised visitation centers. Those programs don’t help noncustodial parents. They charge parents for their court-ordered services, and some of the participants are innocent.

I did a bit more research. I learned the agency in California was part of a huge money-making business that runs visitation centers all across the country with that funding. I couldn’t find one penny that was available to help noncustodial parents. Our government had let all noncustodial parents down.

I believe the following is very significant. I often hear from single mothers who are outraged that they aren’t getting more, or any child support. When asked about their own situation it sometimes becomes clear that these mothers are low-income or don’t have a lot of work experience. I often wondered if they expected more from the fathers of their children than they expect of themselves. It looks like I was on the right path.

Low-Income Fathers and Mothers Face Similar and Significant Barriers

While program administrators of these early fatherhood initiatives expected the population of nonresident parents to be disadvantaged, the extent and severity of barriers was generally greater than anticipated. Program administrators of the responsible fatherhood initiatives uniformly found that poorly educated minorities with limited job opportunities make up a disproportionate share of low-income, nonresident fathers. Although most low-income noncustodial fathers have some work experience, many of them work intermittently at low wages and have low education and skill levels that limit their job prospects.

Overall, nonresident fathers and custodial mothers look very similar in terms of race, low education levels, and work history. In a national representative survey of poor noncustodial fathers who do not pay child support, over 40 percent had high school diplomas and only 30 percent had worked in the past three years. These rates were nearly identical to those of poor custodial mothers. Like their female counterparts, noncustodial fathers had many other employment barriers, including health issues, substance abuse, housing instability, lack of transportation, and mental health problems.

The following is something I’ve known since the day I started working with fathers.

Being a Good Father Is Important to Nonresident Fathers

Program activities focused on improving fathers’ relationships with their children were highly valued by participants and served as an important incentive to encourage participation. Several evaluations (including those for PFS, PFF, RFP, and Young Unwed Fathers Project) reported that many fathers expressed a desire to be more involved in their children’s lives and appreciated the services that addressed parenting and child related issues. Peer support sessions or other support groups that provided information on their rights and obligations as nonresident fathers, encouraged positive parenting behavior, and allowed sharing of concerns and points of confusion consistently received high marks from participants, as noted in the PFS, PFF, and Young Unwed Fathers evaluations. Some programs included workshops focused specifically on parenting issues and sponsored father-child events, at least in part because of participant interest in these issues. Experiences in the RFP demonstrations, PFF, and PFS initiatives indicated that participants also valued services and information related to custody and visitation.

I find this next part very important.

Some fathers were unhappy with the amount of access they had to their children and turned toward program staff to formally or informally help them negotiate visitation agreements. Although not common, some programs (particularly in the PFF and RFP demonstrations) found it valuable to provide legal representation or financial assistance with legal costs to address custody and visitation as well as other issues.

Mothers often receive free legal aid. Fathers rarely do. Many fathers are court-ordered to pay for both attorneys. One of these fathers is Bill Sharp. He told me he’s had to spend his kids’ college money on his children’s mothers’ frivolous filings.

Sharp recently told me, “She went to court pleading indigence as a rationale for a child support increase … and three weeks after getting the increase went out and bought a two-seater Mazda Miata to replace her Saturn L-series sedan (when she had two teenage children living with her in her house that she still had to transport). If the kids missed the bus then they missed school (and they did); because she couldn’t take them.”